why am i a romantic
why won't she talk to me...? hmmm i'm not sure
why do we live in different states...
why am i pressing my time over something that is fairly trivial
why do i even carei'm enjoying myself where i am, for the most part they say good things come to good people...but what about mediocre and bad people what comes to them....i feel rejected, dejected...a little but of anger....depression...why is it that when i type i feel sad and lonely...but in life i am much happier...maybe it's the human element...the human interaction maybe it's human reaction...self-exploration can give you all the answers you could ever ask for...why look outside when you can go inside...but who has time to go inside anymore? it seems a luxury in this day and age to travel within the mind, heart and spirit to "soul search" it's easier to ask for a mocha frappacino than it is to ask who am i...what makes me happy, why do we breath...what happens after we stop...can i live without judgements or barriers...without walls or expectations...can i live without my ego...is my ego writing this...
i don't know....that's why i am writing, in the hopes that writing will lead me to understand more about myself....playing an instrument helps in the sense that it is able to fixate my energies on to another medium for a short while...but still these feelings come back...the attachments all come flooding back....and at that point they are stronger...because absence makes the heart grow fonder...this is true of any situation, happiness and pain....if you live in pain, similar to living in prison, when you are set free, you can only imagine being back in prison...but i believe this can be overcame by self discovery...but who cares about heady bullshit and finding your soulmate...people are dying...what is a righteous cause...can a balance be found...what if you meet your soulmate and they don't talk to you, or want anything to do with you...what if what if what...my head explodes in 10 seconds, what if the world ends in 2012...what if world consciousness is elevated and we all disappear...what if what if what....i need to feel the touch of another of whom i care deeply...not my mother, not someone from my past....but someone from my present, my now....this is my sexual energy...not consumation...almost masturbation...a hug, a kiss...a mental grip...i am more than a pawn...because this is not a game...it's a spirit walk...a journey...there is no manipulation that can stop what has been set in motion...we are all creatures of habbit, me included...i latch to things like an alligator latches to its lunch...things appear well off on the outside but inside i am holding on for dear life...my intuition tells me to let go because things always seem to work themselves out if the mental atitude is there...it's so hard to do that...but i'm trying....help.
